I am no philosopher, scientist, or preacher.
I am, in fact, hardly a man.
But I do eat food, and even I know that if God had depended on the McRib as a starter-kit for the first female, women would have never been created.
Had he winged it and made Eve from a McRib, we’d be staring down the barrel of McWomen, hardly a suitable substitute for God’s greatest creation — dogs being a solid second, bacon cheeseburgers on soft fresh buns a-huggin’ third.
Instead, God gave us the real thing.
No so on the McDonald’s front. No offense to millions of Americans’ favorite fast food burger joint. But don’t even think about calling something a Rib when it is McNot.
Our dogged reporter and longtime friend Donnie Golfgame has been on this story since 2020 when the McRib, not a menu staple, made a brief holiday-season return to the menu. And here we go again.
Early last week Donnie was reading “America’s newspaper, USAToday,” and ran across this headline:
“McRib is back at McDonald’s this November.”
“I almost spewed yogurt out of my nose,” Donnie told me. “This was published and delivered on doorsteps all over the country as a legitimate news story under a reporter’s byline. I spent 30 years in the newspaper business – all three decades with the parent company of USAToday, Gannett News Corp. I can only imagine the reporter’s reaction when the editor called him or her over and said, ‘I have an important assignment for you.’”
The aroused reporter whips out a notepad, pulls a ballpoint from behind their eager ear, only to hear his editor say, “Just in time for the holiday season, McDonald’s is making a menu change of epic proportions.”
And before the reporter can say, “You mean McDonald’s is going full-fledged Kato?!” the editor says, “The McRib: It’s BACK, babeeeee!”
Sigh … THAT’S the Big Story.
As Donnie is quick to point out, “a McRib is really nothing more than a perpetuated big fat McFib — ground pork shoulder shaped to look like a miniature rack of ribs, which it is not. ‘Meat restructuring’ is how the military classified it when it became an MRE for the U.S. Army,” he said. “It didn’t show up on the menu at McDonald’s until 1981, when I was a sophomore at Louisiana Tech University. It was the same year I ordered my first and only ever McRib.
“The fact I haven’t ordered another McRib since 1981 is all the firsthand food review from me you’d ever want, but I have taken note over the years that the McRib has become like your favorite rock band that goes into retirement only to come back for a ‘Last Hoorah Tour,’ then back again for a ‘Farewell Tour,’ followed by a ‘No, Seriously, We Mean It This Time Tour.’”
Since it’s a fake rib, can we pay for it with fake money? Maybe McMoney?
“I think McDonald’s saw the Rolling Stones released a new album and thought, “Why not?” my guy Donnie suggested. Which sounds entirely plausible.
I have friends who own McDonald’s franchises. Tip of the hat. They get along, let’s just say, really well. And McDonald’s breakfast has always been top shelf. But how they stay in the burger business is a mystery to me.
As is America’s fascination with the McRib, to which this bureau says, “McNeg.”
Contact Teddy email@example.com