(Editor’s note: One of prop bets for Super Bowl LVIII [or 58 if you’re tired of Roman numerals, which we don’t use except at Super Bowl time because we are not Roman, DUUH! ] is whether Kansas City tight end Travis Kelce will propose to superpower Taylor Swift, who has recently been classified as her own planet, displacing Pluto, on the field. As of Tuesday, odds were long on Super Love Sunday: to wager on “no proposal,” you’d have to bet $2,200 and, if there were no proposal, you’d win $100 and get your $2,200 back. Betting-wise, not a great proposal.)
Sunday’s two NFL conference championships games were examples of why it would be fun for coaches to interview journalists now and then, instead of always the other way around.
Because first, the games were shining examples of why sports are the only true reality television.
Baltimore had the best running game in the NFL in the regular season, rushed for 229 yards in a 34-10 route of Houston Jan. 20 in the AFC Divisional round — and ran the ball only 16 times in a 17-10 loss to Kansas City in the AFC title game. The Ravens running backs rushed just six times. The Ravens defense held Kansas City and Patrick Mahomes scoreless in the third quarter, gave up just 17 points, but did not even really try to run, just expected quarterback Lamar Jackson to be Superman and/or silver-armed Tom Brady, so did NOT do “what brung ’em,” and lost.
Detroit pretty much DID do what brung ’em, but they lost too, 34-31 in San Francisco. Dan Campbell, a big man who in three years as head coach has turned Detroit’s franchise around and made them winners for the first time since Moses was cleaning Red Sea slime off his sandals, has gambled since he took over the team, running and gunning on fourth down, rolling the dice, all that sort of thing. Playing with a reckless, carefree confidence. Those results paid off — until they didn’t Sunday, when ill-timed fourth-down decisions in a game with No Tomorrow didn’t go as Campbell and Detroit and their long-suffering fans had hoped.
“Part of the gig,” Campbell said afterward, having been around long enough to know you win some, you lose some, you get praised for some, you get criticized for some, but you dress out for all of them. He didn’t read the room right Sunday, but you’ve got to love the guy.
This is what might have happened had Campbell gone to the press box 45 minutes after the game and had a press conference with the writers, tables turned, concerning several stories and TV reports that all those critical failures to convert fourth downs contributed to Detroit’s loss, which they did. Same as they’d have contributed to a win had they succeeded.
Coach: “So here’s the lede you wrote: ‘Four chances. Four chances on fourth down for Detroit to show the football world what it’s made of. The Lions blew them all.’ You start a sentence with a NUMERAL and end a sentence with a PREPOSITION?! Where did you learn grammar, K-Mart?”
Writer: “I got your ‘starting a sentence with a number’ right here. How about ‘Four score and seven years ago.’ Sound familiar? How about this?: ‘Sugar and spice and everything nice. That’s what little girls are made OF.’ It’s only one of the most famous nursery rhymes ever and has been around 10 times longer than since Detroit last won a playoff game.”
Coach, to another writer: “You start a story with ‘It,’ the ultimate in lazy. You wrote, ‘It will go down as one of the great blunders in NFL Championship history.’ As in, ‘I can’t think of how to describe ‘it’ right off the bat so I’ll just say ‘it’ and explain later. Hopefully.’ Pitiful.”
Writer: “Really? REALLY? ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.’ If it’s good enough for Chuck Dickens, it’s good enough for me. I almost went with ‘Call me Ishmael,’ ‘Ishmael’ being Arabic for ‘Guy Who Should Have Taken The Field Goal.’”
Coach: “You said our second-half defense was a ‘colander.’ Did you mean ‘sieve’? The phrase is ‘a sieve-like defense,’ not a ‘colander’ defense.”
Writer: “Sieve. Colander. Sling blade. Kaiser blade. Potato. PoTAHto. You’re nit-pickin’ now! Tell me, when’s the last time you wrote on deadline? The next time will be the first time, that’s when. You make a B+ on a freshman theme or win an award from the Optimist Club for an essay and think you’re Grantland Rice. I’m done here: I still have to write a column and a sidebar…”
Coach: “Well why not try for something lighter, something more optimistic, something like, ‘It was the best of times, it was the could-have-been-a-little-
Contact Teddy at teddy@latech.edu
